To: All Employees

From: The President

Re: Holiday Cheer

 

Once again the joyous season of Groundhogtide is upon us, the time when the world with bated breath awaits the meteorological prognostications of a prodigious rodent.

We at the Schenectady Small Arms and Biscuit Co. have a long tradition of celebrating Groundhog Day with becoming festivity, and I promise that this year will be no exception. Already the cafeteria is gaily bedecked with brown streamers, and I can report with some pride that Mrs. Billings has spent more on crepe paper this year than for any previous Groundhog Day celebration. Mrs. Billings also informs me that pork patties will be on the menu once again. Pork patties, Mrs. Billings explains, are made from ground hogmeat. It sounds almost like “groundhog meat,” you see. Are you as amused as I am?

While it is not our intention to mitigate in any way the festive spirit of our traditional celebrations, I do feel compelled to remind everyone that there are limits even to holiday cheer. Last year I strongly suspected that someone had introduced alcohol of some sort into Mrs. Billings’ sourgrass punch, with results that were detrimental to the operation of the company later in the day. Twelve cases of Circus Friends animal cookies had to be destroyed when it was discovered that the Circus Friends produced that afternoon included some alarming shapes not to be found among the approved specifications. It was also that afternoon that our Product Development group conceived the Cheez Pistols crossover product line which ultimately proved so detrimental to our reputation in the industry.

When, therefore, I take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy and joyous Groundhog Day, I do so with the full confidence that the celebrations will be limited to what we might call reasonable levels of festivity, and that the excesses of past years will not be repeated.

 

With warmest regards,

J. Rutherford Pinckney, President

 

 

From Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation.

Avocado. Each avocado is in fact one single atom, the largest atom in nature and the only one visible to the naked eye. There are, of course, many trillions of smaller avocados in most grocery stores, but an electron microscope is required in order to see them.