Dumont Network: Ham ’n’ Eggs (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Hamlet and Horatio, one of whom just happens to be Prince of Denmark. Tonight: Just when Hamlet thinks he’s really starting to get somewhere with Ophelia, he discovers nosy old Polonius hiding behind an arras! Hilarious high-jinks ensue.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight’s guest: Jesus, who will be talking about his new line of Jesus-themed licensed merchandise.

Northern Broadcasting System: Software Squad (crime drama). The exciting world of computer maintenance is the focus of this tense procedural. Tonight: A power failure leaves the entire Squad with only one fully charged laptop—and the clock is ticking on the battery…

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Too much saag paneer leaves Al down for the count—just when he’s about to conquer India! Now Hephaestion has to disguise himself as his buddy and lead the army to victory, or the battle will have to be canceled.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Influence of Hume on Hegel and the later phenomenologists. Also: Golf.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Reading of the minutes from last week’s meeting; motion to use borough emergency fund to pay the burgess’s bail.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Connor is promoted to assistant night shift supervisor.

Home Movie Channel: Becoming Ellen (drama). Story of the early years of novelist Ellen Glasgow, whose life of privilege gave her the leisure to chronicle the imaginary miseries of imaginary poor people in an imaginary state called “Virginia.”

Science Central: All You Need to Know (documentary). Top science reporters take cutting-edge scientific breakthroughs and explain why you don’t need to understand them.