To our customers:

United Amalgamated Water Company (UAWC) is filing a request with the Public Utilities Commission (PUC) to increase your water rates as of June 3, 2008, by 24.5%.

There are three ways to challenge a company’s request to change its rates:

1. You can file a formal complaint. If you want a hearing before a judge, you must file a formal complaint. This process lets us know who you are, and gives us an opportunity to serve you better by sending service representatives to adjust your interior plumbing at all hours of the night and day. Address complaints to: Complaints Dept., UAWC, Attn.: “Knuckles” Pasquiarelli.

2. You can send us a letter telling us why you object to the requested rate increase. These letters provide us with priceless entertainment, and the best ones are always read aloud at the office Christmas party.

3. You can be a witness at a public input hearing. All testimony given “under oath” becomes part of the official case record. Our expensive team of professional lawyers will examine your testimony in detail for any inconsistencies, or any statements “under oath” which might be interpreted as inconsistent. Many “witnesses” who gave “testimony” “under oath” at previous “hearings” are now serving sentences for “perjury.”

Thank you once again for choosing the United Amalgamated Water Company instead of choosing not to have running water.