Aries. It wouldn’t hurt you to make enough tea for everybody, you know.
Taurus. The stars are feeling a little bit sulky. They feel that you did not give them enough credit in your acceptance speech. They are thinking of keying your car.
Gemini. With Venus in the house of Hanover, now would be a propitious time to begin a new business venture involving escargot.
Cancer. The stars are wondering whether you might possibly be able to spare a quarter for the parking meter.
Leo. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past will offer you tea today. You may drink it without serious consequences.
Virgo. Do not under any circumstances attempt to fix the kitchen faucet yourself. Not with Saturn where it is these days.
Libra. New resolutions bear fruit, but not exactly the fruit you had in mind. Unless you were thinking of carambolas, too.
Scorpio. The recycling will not be picked up today. Recycling is picked up every other week, but never this week.
Sagittarius. Nothing will prevent you from achieving your heart’s desire this week, which will make next week even more of a crushing disappointment.
Capricorn. Why, you old rascal, you! Not even the stars thought you had it in you.
Aquarius. An unusual alignment of certain planets that prefer to remain anonymous will cause your spinach to bolt early. You should have planted a long-standing variety.
Pisces. The stars controlling your destiny have decreed that next week is Free-Will Week for Pisces. Use it wisely.