From Today’s Dispatch.

Sir:

Why should I have to pay taxes so that some freeloader with a Medicare card can ride the streetcar for nothing? And why should I have to pay toll when I drive my Hummer on the Turnpike? These things burn me up.

Sincerely,
Roland “Biff” Stew,
Dormont

Sir:

Your article on Bishop Zubik’s statement on interreligious dialogue failed to mention that, at the age of fourteen, he was president of the Upper Ohio Valley Junior Philatelic Association. In my opinion, this alliance with the forces of Satan disqualifies him from making any statements on religious issues.

Sincerely,
Pope Benedict XVI,
Vatican City

Sir:

Now that racism is dead and the darkies have everything they want, is it not high time to end the senseless discrimination against stupid people? Statistics say that 50% of the population is of below-average intelligence, but I believe the true figure is much larger. I myself have been proudly stupid for my entire adult life. I was a stupid child as well, and I came from a long line of stupid ancestors. Indeed, family tradition says that our ancestry goes back further than any other family’s, and I firmly believe every unexamined tradition I hear. The secret of my success has been, in one word, credulity. If I could remember what this letter was about, I should have ended it with a zinger that would make my opponents feel awfully silly.

Sincerely,
Carton Gherkin IV
President, American Association of Stupid People (AAPS)

Sir:

I quit.

Sincerely,
[Name Withheld],
Deputy Editorial-Page Editor for Letters to the Editor,
Pittsburgh Dispatch