Dear Dr. Boli: What do they mean when they say “Lunchmeat of the Gods”? Also, when you “cut a rug” should you cut on the bias? —Sincerely, Confused in Carlisle.
Dear Sir or Madam: The Lunchmeat of the Gods, of course, is chipped ham, which in Greek mythology was stolen from Olympus by the semi-divine hero Epiglottis, whose mother was a Titan and whose father owned a little deli on Forbes just about half a block from the Diamond. Epiglottis spirited the Olympian feast away to the storied banks of the Monongahela, where an eager humanity first partook of the delights that had until then been reserved for citizens of Olympus and resident aliens of more than three aeons’ standing. In revenge, Zeus sentenced Epiglottis to work for eternity at a supermarket deli counter in Kansas City, where no one had ever heard of chipped ham.
In 1962, the Epiglottis myth was the subject of a Hollywood movie with stop-motion effects by the renowned Ray Harryhausen. The film was not a success, the image of a thirty-foot loaf of boiled ham being deemed too unsettling for the family audiences at which it was aimed.
As for your second question, Dr. Boli has always been opposed to bias in any form, as being pernicious to either a well-ordered state or a well-ordered sock hop.