THE CITIPARKS FARMERS Market in the parking lot of St. Barnabas’ Church has been a great success. Miss Ethelreda Spoke reports that she bought three fine young farmers there last Wednesday, all strapping fellows, who have been very helpful with the yard work.

The Double-F Society regrets to inform its members that Mr. Ffranklin Ff. Fforklift has been relieved of his duties as vice-president of the Society, ffollowing the discovery that his name was ffictitious. Miss Ffelicia Ffootrest, retired vice-president, will resume her wonted duties until such time as a new vice-president may be ffound.

A local variant of the well-known Nigerian scam has been making the rounds in the neighborhood. An older man with a florid Castilian accent, claiming to be the grandson of the late Michael Jackson, has already duped several customers of the Steamfitters & Phrenologists Federal Savings Bank into withdrawing amounts in some cases approaching the middle two figures. If such a man accosts you near the door of the bank with a check for several million dollars, the bank management strongly suggests that you at least examine the check very closely.

The Tuesday Gardening Club will meet on Thursdays all this month.

At last Monday’s meeting of the neighborhood watch, it was brought up that there has been an unsettling increase in the number of suspicious foreign-looking persons buying vanilla wafers at the Pharm-Aid on Bland Street. We have written to the Department of Homeland Security to ask whether any of the ingredients in vanilla wafers can be used in the manufacture of explosives, but so far have received no response. In the meantime, as the city police have asked us to stop dialing 911 every time we see a man with a turban purchasing a box of vanilla wafers, we can do nothing but exercise extreme vigilance.

A new business has opened up on Bland Street! Guns-n-Things promises “everything for the sportsman,” including the city’s largest stock of black powder. Stop by and welcome them to the neighborhood!