Quilted Seersucker (Vaticombibiens textus). Brownish above, whitish below. This familiar visitor to feeders and the better class of roadside diners is found chiefly in the north, east, west, and south. Call: a cheery “Charlie’s-home, Charlie’s-home,” in a pronounced Tidewater accent.


Strip-District Sparrow (Passer allegheniensis). Brownish above, whitish below. Found near street-vendors’ stands, in piles of garbage, and nocturnally at trendy nightclubs. Call: A long, drawn-out “WEEEE got-’em, WEEEE got-’em.”


Whig Swallow (Hirundo frelinghuysenis). Brownish above, whitish below. Noted for strong protectionist tendencies and opposition to annexation. Call: A contemptuous “KING-Andrew pthhht, KING-Andrew pthhht”; various huffs, grunts, and pshaws.


Van Buren’s Rufous-Ankled Finch (Fringilla pigra). Brownish above, whitish below. A common visitor to backyard feeders in the winter months if the food is expensive enough. Known for its breeding habit of placing classified advertisements in the romance sections of free weekly tabloids. Call: a mournful “To-MAR-ket, to-MAR-ket” or “Blue CAR-pet, blue CAR-pet” —Woodby.


Common or Ruby-Livered Potsticker (Scaphioglutinosa vulgaris). Brownish above, whitish below. Usually found in the Yellow Pages under “Plumbing.” Call: “ON-again, OFF-again, POO-ey,” played on an accordion.


  1. Lexington Allrath-Bart says:

    And we should not forget the Fayette County Deerslayer (Recumbantus ironciti) Whitish above and below. Usually found near gun clubs and beer distributors. Known for its boorish and vulgar behavior during football season. Call: “KILL deer, KILL deer” along with various sounds imitating flatulence.

  2. Lars Walker says:

    Seriously, Dr. Boli, I want to comment every day. But all I can think of to say is lol, which gets a little tedious, except when imitating the call of the Lower Zumbro Belted Nosetweezer.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *