CAPTAIN PLEONASM AND THE WORLD WITHOUT EVIL.

Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.

ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Theme, up and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: In full, then fade for…)

ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in last week’s episode, Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy had defeated the combined forces of all the world’s villains, forever ridding the world of evil and putting a stop to all bad things.

INTERJECTION BOY. Babblin’ baboons, Captain Pleonasm! Have you got any threes?

CAPT. PLEONASM. It will be necessary for you to go fish. You will need to draw a card at random from the unsorted pile in the center of the table.

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Golly golliwogs, Captain Pleonasm, you don’t have to play that brassy dissonant chord every time you say that.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Have you any queens? Are there among your cards any portraits of—

INTERJECTION BOY. Merciful mockingbirds, Captain Pleonasm, you can just say it once. I got the idea the first time. Go fish.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Ah. I must draw a card from the irregular mass of cards before me. It is necessary, for the further progress of the game, that I should take—

INTERJECTION BOY. Good grief, will you just take a card?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Aha! I have drawn a queen from the pile! Completely at random, with no foreknowledge of the card toward which my fingers were moving, I have nevertheless taken out exactly the card that was required for my ultimate victory!

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Gee whiz, you can be annoying sometimes.

CAPT. PLEONASM. And now it is once again my turn. My withdrawal of the precise card for which I had asked has entitled me to ask you for another card. Have you any kings? Among your cards, are—

INTERJECTION BOY. Go fish, for Pete’s sake.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Hmmm. It was not a king. I shall not reveal to you the exact card which I have withdrawn, but I must regretfully inform you that it was not the card for which I had asked.

INTERJECTION BOY. Yeah, whatever. Have you got any sevens?

CAPT. PLEONASM. By “sevens,” do you mean cards with that precise number of figures or symbols? Would the Arabic numeral seven appear in the corner? And does it matter precisely what the figures are? Is there any particular figure you—

INTERJECTION BOY. Holy Sandusky, Captain Pleonasm, you’ve got three of them, haven’t you?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Well, I cannot tell a lie. To prevaricate is contrary to my nature. It would go against every principle for which I have stood in the fight against evil were I to deny what is literally true.

INTERJECTION BOY. Indignant iguanas, Captain Pleonasm! I’m getting tired of this game.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Are you indeed? Well, then, there is one thing I have saved for just such an occasion. It is something so exciting, so pulse-quickening in fact, that I have held it in reserve, knowing that a time might come when we required more spiritual stimulation, more heart-pounding appeal to the adrenal glands, than the ordinary pastimes in which we have hitherto indulged can provide.

INTERJECTION BOY. Great tumbling redwoods, Captain Pleonasm! What is it?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Charades!

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Heavens to Betsy, Captain Pleonasm, is it too late to un-defeat some of those villains?

ANNOUNCER. Will a rousing game of charades provide the excitement Interjection Boy longs for? Will Captain Pleonasm have to haul out the Parcheesi game he keeps under the bed? Will Interjection Boy accidentally leave the gate unlocked at the maximum-security prison? Don’t miss next week’s enthralling and riveting episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: Theme, in full and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. When Captain Pleonasm is feeling oppressed by the ennui of modern existence, what always perks him up? It’s Malt-O-Cod, the only malt beverage flavored with 100% real cod-liver oil. Kids, ask your moms for Malt-O-Cod, now with an official Captain Pleonasm Old Maid deck in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod.

(Music: In full, then out.)