MR. HERBERT ANSCHLUSS was arrested at the City-County Building for impersonating a prothonotary. On further investigation, it was discovered that he was the prothonotary. He was freed on his own recognizance.

City police responded to reports of a domestic disturbance in the 1400 block of Bland Street, Blandville. On arriving at the scene, officers discovered a nest of terrorists plotting a coordinated attack on selected targets across the city. Officers asked them to keep it down, as there were people trying to sleep.

Officer Wilbert Mignon of the Castle Shannon police was arrested by Officer Jeremy Paddle of the Castle Shannon police for taking his lunch break at a diner outside borough limits. Castle Shannon police are now taking applications for two open positions on the force.

Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. Sheriff’s deputies impounded the car.

A number of members of a religious cult in the South Side were arrested for being too weird to appear in public. Judge Warren Huff ordered them released on the grounds that they weren’t any weirder than the rest of the neighborhood.

In a sting operation, members of the St. Britney’s parish council were arrested for running an illegal gambling ring. The accused said they were fairly certain there was an exemption for parish festivals, but arresting officers weren’t buying that.