DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Imperial Roman Edition.

Augustus. Augustus found Rome a city of brick and left it a city of marble, but he died before he could realize his ultimate ambition of remaking it into a city of vinyl siding.

Constantine. In addition to his military and administrative talents, Constantine was quite a literary figure in his own time, having written all four canonical Gospels, all the letters of Paul except the one to Philemon, the Revelation, the Nicene Creed, the Confessions of St. Augustine, the Summa Theologica, and the complete works of William Shakespeare.

Domitian. After he declared himself a god, Domitian took to tossing water balloons at any senators who displeased him, having been encouraged by his flattering courtiers to believe that he was hurling thunderbolts.

Galba. The emperor Galba could not hear the word “Falernian” without being seized with a ghastly terror, the source of which was never discovered.

Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius is best remembered for his dabbling in philosophy, but in his own time he was probably even better known for making the best quiche in Rome, the recipe for which he took with him to the grave.

Romulus Augustulus. After he resigned the empire, Romulus Augustulus remained unemployed for nearly five years, until he finally found a job as a door-to-door siding salesman, thus completing the cycle of Western emperors in a striking and ironical way.