A New Approach to Baraminology, by Dr. Orbin S. Thicke, Ph.D., and the Rev. Bob-Bob Lee, D.M., Fellows of the Institute for Noachian Studies.

BARAMINOLOGY, THE SCIENCE of determining the biblical kinds, has made great strides in recent years, as creation scientists have applied statistical analysis to the problem of classifying species in their proper baramins.

One problem, however, has until now remained intractable: the question of which taxonomic rank properly represents the baramin, or original created kind, beyond which it is not permissible to search for common ancestors.

We believe the question has been approached from the wrong direction, with creation scientists attempting to answer it by analyzing current species’ common characteristics and working backward to the original baramin. In doing so they ignore vital data. Scripture is vague on the number of created kinds, but it is extraordinarily specific in describing the dimensions of the ark, in which all the baramins of animal creation were preserved.

By assembling information about the size and feeding requirements of every known creature of the present day, we are able to calculate an average space needed for each animal on the ark. Given the dimensions of the ark specified in the sixth chapter of Genesis, it then becomes a trifling mathematical exercise to determine approximately how many animals were housed on board the ark, each breeding pair of which, as one of the sources of all succeeding animal life, must correspond to a single baramin. (Adjustments must be made for the clean animals, of each of which seven were taken aboard the ark, but the principle remains relatively straightforward, on the reasonable assumption that the approximate ratio of clean to unclean animals has remained steady since the time of Noah.) By comparing that number to a standard taxonomic chart, it should be a simple matter to determine which taxonomic rank most closely corresponds to the baramin.

The results of this study will revolutionize the field of creation science, putting it for the first time on a comparable level with reflexology, astrology, psychology, and other sciences of undisputed certainty and utility.

Pre-order your copy now from the Institute for Noachian Studies for delivery in February of 2043.

UPDATE: Dr. Boli has taken note of some press coverage of this announcement.


  1. Just Bob says:

    Hey, don’t forget about all the extra herbivores that will be required to keep the predators fed until such time as enough new herbivores can be born to prevent immediate extinction of the baramin by one act of predation! And of course the Ark had to contain enough fodder to keep all those herbivores fed for at least a year until new plants could grow on all that flooded land.

  2. AL says:

    Why is psychology on your list?

    • drboli says:

      Dr. Boli posed your question to Dr. Thicke, one of the authors of the study. His reply:

      “Psychology, as its Greek name implies, is the study of the soul. The Rev. Bob-Bob and I have been very successful in establishing reliable metrics to determine which souls are damned and which are saved (see our paper ‘Six Simple Questions Tell You If You’re Damned,’ Journal of Eschatological Research, 1997). We therefore classify psychology among the sciences of undisputed certainty and utility.”

  1. […] (Special to the Dispatch.)—The authors of a forthcoming study on baraminology have angrily denied reports that their announcement was a […]

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