OFFICER CARL SHACKLE of the Gas Hill borough police was reported as drunk and disorderly at the Bar Bell Inn on Methane Street. Officer Carl Shackle responded and arrested himself on arriving at the scene. He is currently suing himself for use of excessive force, and his attorney has advised him not to comment to the press.

Eight members of Allegheny Rising, an organization that advocates the secession of the North Side from the rest of the city, were arrested for sedition last night.

City police responded to a harassment incident reported in the 1500 block of Bland Street, Blandville. Mr. William Couch told responding officers that Mrs. William Couch would not stop pestering him about shoveling the snow on the steps. Police told him to do it and get it over with.

Vandals attacked the Dollar-Rama dollar store on Guthrie Street last night, destroying all the merchandise and spraying the walls with anti-Presbyterian graffiti. Damage was estimated at one dollar.

Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. She is being deported to the South Sandwich Islands.

City police responded to a report of malicious gossip at Angelo’s Donuts in the West End. Responding officers reported that you would hardly believe what they heard about the mayor.