WRITE A BIOGRAPHY of William Henry Harrison entirely from memory. Then use the old encyclopedia in the basement to see how close you came. Give yourself two points for every date you got right.

If you have a gas stove that you can light with a match, make a dinner using everything in the pantry that will fit in one pot. Call it a “gumbo.” If challenged, explain that mangoes are traditional in the gumbo recipes of St. Pierre and Miquelon.

Make your own Internet out of tin cans and string.

Call the electric company and report an outage, but give a fictitious address. This provides the beleaguered telephone representatives with precious amusement to relieve the stress of the emergency.

Paint pictures on the television screen, then erase them and repaint them. If you do this thirty times a second, you will create the illusion that you are watching television.

Shiver. Award prizes for the best or most creative shivering.

Shake your fist at heaven. Use any resulting fire or brimstone to heat your house.


  1. Caren says:

    Point out to significant other that there is a perfectly good generator somewhere under that pile of lawnmower parts, burlap bags, paint cans, and cardboard boxes in the garage. Receive a promise to unearth generator after a new shed is built to accommodate lawnmower parts, burlap bags, paint cans, and cardboard boxes.

  2. Lemuel A. Fernroth says:

    Honoured Sir, I am pleased to report that I had successfully created my own Internet made from DuPont Stren monofilament fishing line and two Size D DelMonte peach cans. But alas, after two minutes of operation, I received a piece of mail which offered me 1.2 million dollars from the estate of the African billionaire James Mtombe.

  3. Sean says:

    42 points!

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