Sir: I do not normally write letters to the editor, having restricted myself to no more than three such missives per week on the orders of my cardiologist, but I feel I must pick up my pen to protest against your publication’s unseemly and exceedingly unpatriotic endorsement of apple pie.

The apple is a fruit with distinctly satanic connotations, but that is far from the worst of its associations. The fact, which may be unknown to you but which could have been checked with a simple search on Wikipedia, where I contributed the latest revision of the article on the apple, is that the apple is not an American fruit at all. It is a foreign tree, an illegal immigrant that has taken up residence in our country for the obvious purpose of terrorizing our groves and forests and benefiting unfairly from our grossly overgenerous social-welfare system.

Nor will the problem be solved if, as I can almost hear your stunted little liberal mind suggesting, we merely substitute a native fruit, such as pawpaws, for the apples in our pies. Pie itself is a nefarious foreign intrusion, a subtle and devilish plot to sap our native resolve by foisting an unnatural feeling of contentment on the American populace. You would have known these things had you been responsible enough to give even a cursory skimming to my self-published book, Overcoming the Pie Menace Through Abstinence and Virtue.

America will not be truly free, truly strong, or truly safe, until we banish dastardly foreigners and their repugnant customs from our shores.

Sincerely,
Corneliu Ionescu,
Spring Garden