HOW TO KEEP SAFE.

MAKE A LIST of everything bad that can possibly happen. Keep the list in a fireproof safe. Make a duplicate of the list, and keep the duplicate in a duplicate fireproof safe.

In an elevator, keep hopping up and down as vigorously as possible. If the elevator cable snaps and the car plummets down the shaft, there is a better than even chance that you will be in the air when the car hits the bottom.

When you drive, never shift above second gear.

When walking on a city sidewalk, look up at least once every ten seconds. If you see the underside of a piano, run.

If you fly, remember that, in the event of a water landing, the bloated corpses of your fellow passengers may be used as flotation devices.

Always wear camouflage when you visit the conservatory.

When someone sends you a gift of food, share it with the neighborhood children. If they suffer no ill effects, the food is safe to eat.

Write down the names of any neighbors who seem to spend a suspicious amount of time at home or away from home. Send the list, with all relevant details, to the Department of Homeland Security.

Place all your kitchen knives in a block of wet concrete. When the concrete dries, the knives will be harmless.