Sir: What has happened to our city schools? What madman has been put in charge of the curriculum? Yesterday my daughter showed me a textbook in which she had been assigned to read a lesson on “tolerance.” “Tolerance”!

Since when has this great nation of ours tolerated “tolerance”? Did the Pilgrims come over on the Mayflower to practice some kind of namby-pamby wishy-washy Birkenstock-wearing tie-dyed if-it-feels-good-do-it “tolerance”? No! They came to New England because Old England wouldn’t let them be as oppressive as God demanded. They came to find a place where they could hang Quakers and whip Baptists and live godly lives.

I thought we were supposed to be free to practice any religion in this country, as long as it was the right one. Well, my religion says your religion is wrong, and I don’t have to tolerate you. My religion tells me that Jesus hates Communists, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Episcopalians, Democrats, Socialists, every Republican except Pat Roberston, actors, Estonians, Lutherans, parking attendants, phenomenologists, pomegranates, bloggers, and (during football season) every citizen of the greater Cleveland metropolitan area, just for a start. I have a 58-page list of what Jesus hates, and I’m very proud of my little girl for having memorized the first fifteen pages already. She already knows that Jesus wants her to spit on meter-readers and break the windows of any grocery store that sells leeks.

And now I find out that the so-called educators in our city school system are trying to undo all my careful instruction! I would sue the school district for abridging my First Amendment rights, if I didn’t know that Jesus hates lawyers and judges and the United States Constitution.

——Sincerely, Rufus Periwinkle III, D.M.


  1. Jared says:

    Sir: I was appalled by the degree to which Mr. Periwinkle attempts to circumscribe our Lord’s compassion in his letter of May 21. Contrary to his intemperate assertion, of which he may be disabused by consulting the teachings of our Saviour, the Lord loves the U.S. Constitution, and may indeed be said to have inspired it.

    Mr. Periwinkle’s historical ignorance is breathtaking, and I should rather associate with the veritable Ninevites of the greater Cleveland metropolitan area than with one denies the canonicity of the Constitution. Though activist judges seek to evade it and radicals seek to dilute it through amendments, inserting so many Tobits and Baruchs into the text in the form, e.g., of Amendments XVI and XVII, we must stand firm on this divinely revealed foundation of this, the most Christian of the Christian nations.

    I should be happy to supply this magazine with my own forty-eight page pamphlet on those things which God despises, ranging in nature from Catharism and unionism to pork barrel spending, which the good Lord has seen fit to declare unclean. It will be admitted that this list is vastly superior to the one possessed of Mr. Periwinkle, as it affirms that congregationalists and Fuller Brush men are under God’s wrath as vessels of destruction, but does not, in the manner of those lists drawn up by ignorant fundamentalists, denounce bloggers, upon whom God shews mercy as ones hated, despised, and despitefully used by the world.

    Yours sincerely,
    Howard Bancock Binch, D.D.

  2. Neil Obstat says:

    Hey Binch!!! Looks like you took your smart pills today. As for Periwinkle, I’m going to buy his daughter a gun so she can shoot pencil neck people like you. By the way, what’s your address?

  3. Martha says:

    May I congratulate Mr. Periwinkle on his cogent reasoning regarding the purpose for the creation of the United States, and assure him that certain of us who dwell in the old British Isles wish only that even more of the Puritans (such as Oliver Cromwell) had indeed emigrated to the New England colonies and spared us all the certain unpleasantness associated with the pacification of Ireland, for one?

  4. RepubAnon says:

    “Jesus loves me, this I know.
    And he’s told me – where you’re going to go.
    There’s lots of room for your kind – down below…”

    Austin Lounge Lizards “Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You.”

  5. Neil Obstat says:

    “My preacher tells me I’m God’s kinda guy
    So I’m goin to heaven, but you’re gonna fry.”

    All hail the Austin Lounge Lizards

  6. Warren says:

    I am reminded of a certain philosopher, one Garrison Keillor, I believe it was, who said that the Pilgrims left England seeking a land with “less religious freedoms” than England. I am not entirely sure they would be pleased with the current state of affairs.
    For one thing, there are entirely too many meter maids allowed to roam free.


  7. nutellaontoast says:

    “I have a 58-page list of what Jesus hates.”


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