Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The new Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When a West Frisian terrorist is murdered, the only clue is a certain subtle difference between closely related Low Germanic dialects.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “American Exceptionalism.” Rev. Bob-Bob explains why Jesus likes us better than grubby foreigners.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: Rumors begin to circulate that Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin has been replaced by a space alien who can mimic all his quirky mannerisms.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: It’s Bucephalus’ birthday—and Hephaestion can’t think of a present for the horse who has everything.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Why you should be paying more for your clubs.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to ban foreign cars in unattractive colors.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek uses a paper clip and a rubber band to fix the office printer so that a $15 million contract can be completed on time, and his supervisor has him arrested for stealing office supplies.

The Lawnmower Channel: Monster Weeds (documentary). Tonight: The team visits a yard where wild plants have been allowed to reach eighteen inches or more in height.

Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: With no hauntings for more than a month, the crew begins to consider killing one of their interns to see if he comes back as a ghost.