MISS UNA CORDA, the notoriously shy concert pianist, played Beethoven’s Diabelli Variations to a packed hall at Heptagon Gardens last night. Miss Corda performed from behind a curtain in a soundproofed chamber. The audience was permitted to listen to a recording of Schnabel performing the same piece.

Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle, the distinguished poet and novelist, was arrested for writing while intoxicated at his home in Newport News. Several free-verse poems of the most appalling sentimentality were seized during the raid.

Rumor has it that the Great Blando will soon be transferred from Woodville State Hospital to a halfway house for recovering acrobats and recitation artists. Members of the community are already planning a public protest.

Flash! Were Barack Obama and Rupert Murdoch caught by staff in a secret love-nest overlooking the Potomac in Arlington? No, but it’s fun to ask leading questions like that, isn’t it?

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was seen at a private party attempting to perform on a crwth. Neighbors have registered a formal protest with the First Minister of Wales.