A VOTE FOR Albert Cardoon, Fringe Party candidate for state representative from Munhall, Whittaker, and New Homestead, is a vote for good things and against bad things. Just look at his positions on the issues:

Albert Cardoon stands for American values.

Albert Cardoon is miraculously incorruptible.

Albert Cardoon will protect you from the God-hating Philadelphians who have kept their iron grip on Harrisburg since Robert Morris.

Albert Cardoon likes apple pie, and he will challenge anyone who doesn’t to a duel.

Albert Cardoon kisses babies, but only in a carefully sanitary way.

Albert Cardoon will completely change the way the General Assembly works by being fresh-faced and eager, which no one in history has ever tried before.

Albert Cardoon will use his influence in Harrisburg to make Munhall the capital of the Western Hemisphere.

Albert Cardoon will move the American federal government to the Borough of Whittaker and the Canadian federal government to New Homestead.

Albert Cardoon will outlaw Mexico.

Albert Cardoon will end war and terrorism by showing people how to be nice to each other.

Albert Cardoon will stay in touch with his constituents by having one of his interns fling together a WordPress blog.

Albert Cardoon will harness the power of mass email solicitations for good and not for evil.

Are you tired of bad things happening all the time? Then let the shady political hacks in Harrisburg know that you won’t put up with bad things any longer. This year, vote for good things instead. Vote for Albert Cardoon for state representative.