Sir: As a citizen of these United States, and a taxpayer when it suits me, I demand to know why my comprehensive plan for the improvement of everything has not yet been implemented by our federal government, in spite of the thorough explanation I provided by email to President Whatsisname no fewer than twelve days ago, according to my perpetual calendar. The President has already sent me a reply thanking me for expressing my opinion, and assuring me that every citizen’s input is important, so I know he has read what I sent him. Why, then, this unconscionable delay in the implementation of my plan, whose manifold benefits are entirely self-evident? Can it be that the United States of America, the most powerful and prosperous nation on the face of the earth, has not sufficient supplies of tapioca to carry out my simple and unambiguous instructions? Is there not a single ukulele to be had from sea to shining sea? Perish the thought! If the President himself cannot obtain a simple samovar for the greater good of the people he represents, he is welcome to borrow mine, and he already has complete instructions for its employment in matters relating to the Federal Reserve. I am by nature a patient man, but if I do not see, within the next four or five days, obvious tokens of the establishment of such a Federal Bureau of Ornithology as I have specified, I shall begin to believe that I am being deliberately ignored. In that case I shall be forced to take drastic action, which may even go so far as canceling my subscription to the President’s Twitter feed.

Sincerely,
King Juan Carlos of Spain
(no relation).