John Calvin Orthodox Reformed Church will not be holding Ash Wednesday services this year, or any year. If you were thinking of repenting, save yourselves the trouble. You’re all damned anyway, so you might as well stay home and wallow in your own filth the way you do every other day of the year.

St. Britney Parish invites you to get your Lenten mortifications off to a good start at our All-Dan-Schutte musical service. Bring a guitar and strum along if you like.

Holy Regression Nicolaitan Orthodox Church reminds everyone not to fall for the heathen lie that says Lent begins this week. If the Julian calendar was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you.

Blandville Unitarian-Universalist Church is a house of worship with a profound respect for all religions. This year we will be sacrificing eight Methodists to Huitzilopochtli.

St. Barnabas Lutheran Church invites you to repent for all the awful things you did in Libya this past week. We may not have been directly involved, but as Lutherans we know that we are all somehow responsible.