DID YOU KNOW that the leaves in the bottom of your teacup can read the future wherever you have access to a 3G data connection? Simply look for these patterns in the leaves, and refer to this guide for the proper interpretations.
Necklace—Partial: Danger of losing a lover. Complete: Likelihood of hanging.
Hat: Look in your pockets. You may have lost your mittens.
Pear: Expect misfortunes in twos. Tea leaves are notoriously poor at spelling.
Acorn: Large deciduous tree within twenty years.
Shoe: You will be heckled by an angry mob.
Face of James Buchanan: Your friends are treacherous, indolent, or stupid.
Asterisk: See note, next teacup.
Pig: Bacon in your near future.
Triangle: You will perform the least rewarding part in the symphony. Not necessarily metaphorical.
Brooklyn Bridge: Outstanding investment opportunity in tea-shop franchising. Inquire at counter.
Hourglass: Teacup is not responding. Empty and refill to reboot.