DID YOU KNOW that the leaves in the bottom of your teacup can read the future wherever you have access to a 3G data connection? Simply look for these patterns in the leaves, and refer to this guide for the proper interpretations.

Necklace—Partial: Danger of losing a lover. Complete: Likelihood of hanging.

Hat: Look in your pockets. You may have lost your mittens.

Pear: Expect misfortunes in twos. Tea leaves are notoriously poor at spelling.

Acorn: Large deciduous tree within twenty years.

Shoe: You will be heckled by an angry mob.

Face of James Buchanan: Your friends are treacherous, indolent, or stupid.

Asterisk: See note, next teacup.

Pig: Bacon in your near future.

Triangle: You will perform the least rewarding part in the symphony. Not necessarily metaphorical.

Brooklyn Bridge: Outstanding investment opportunity in tea-shop franchising. Inquire at counter.

Hourglass: Teacup is not responding. Empty and refill to reboot.