Dear Dr. Boli: I am confused as to why there is a summer spice deodorant but not a winter spice. Am I doomed to stink the whole winter season? —Sincerely, Nathan.

Dear Sir: Your mistake is in contemplating the use of an artificial “deodorant” in the first place. A deodorant with a scent of any sort is a contradiction in terms, and no good can come of it. If it were truly a deodorant, would it not eliminate odors? How, then, would any scent of “summer spice,” or winter spice, or vernal or autumnal spice, remain? Clearly you are a victim of consumer fraud.

Instead of wasting your money on quack remedies, Dr. Boli suggests that a course of rigorous training is what you need. In his 227½ years on this earth, Dr. Boli has learned that the mind controls the body to a degree unimagined by most younger and less disciplined men, and in particular the odors you produce are largely under your own control. Dr. Boli, for example, prefers to emit just the faintest hint of orange blossoms when in mixed company. Practice night and day until you have the knack; it will soon become second nature to you.