IN HONOR OF World Homeopathy Awareness Week, here are a few of Dr. Boli’s most popular features dealing with this fascinating alternative to medicine.


Ask Dr. Boli.

Dear Dr. Boli: I have a small splinter in my toe, and my friends recommended digging it out with a sterilized needle. That sounds like it would hurt. I was wondering: Is there a non-invasive homeopathic remedy for splinters? —Sincerely, A Man with a Splinter in His Big Toe, Specifically the Left One.

Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy, but he has consulted with a number of well-known homeopaths who prefer to remain anonymous. This is the answer they provided.

First, it is important to determine whether the splinter is a wood splinter. We shall assume that it is; but if it is a splinter of something else–glass or ceramic, for example–then please write again and give more specific details.

As homeopathy operates on the principle that whatever in measurable quantities causes a symptom will in infinitesimal quantities cure the same, the homeopathic remedy for a wood splinter is, of course, sawdust highly diluted. The dilution must be in inverse proportion to the size of the splinter; for, as homeopathic remedies are stronger the more they are diluted, it should be plain to the veriest tyro that a larger splinter will require a stronger and therefore greater dilution. For an average splinter, a 15C dilution of sawdust is recommended.

It goes without saying that you should not attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself. Even if you could provide the properly sterile distilled water and the necessary measuring equipment, there are certain incantations which, without going into any detail, Dr. Boli’s homeopathic consultants have darkly hinted are required in order to render the remedy effective.

Dr. Boli’s correspondents asked him to remind you that homeopathic remedies may take some time to work through your system to the big toe, the time depending in particular on the strength and magnetic orientation of your vital force. Should infection set in, remind yourself that what allopaths call “infection” is in fact nature’s way of dealing with an interruption to your body’s perfect health. Should the infection progress, Dr. Boli’s correspondents have pointed out that amputation is an entirely natural and drug-free alternative to homeopathy.



HOMEOPATHIC HEADACHE RELIEF by mail. Avoid paying high local prices. Send us a mere $19.95, along with your address, telephone number, and best times to contact. We will personally visit one out of every 1,000,000 applicants and hit him on the head with a mallet. This is equivalent to a 6X homeopathic dilution. More powerful dilutions also available for correspondingly higher prices. Windgap Pain Management & Hand Tool Corp., Windgap.



NEW PYRO-MATE Wonder Midget Home and Office Fire Extinguisher uses homeopathic technology to attack the causes of fire rather than merely addressing the symptoms. Send for free illustrated brochure, “Nature’s Way to a Fire-Free Home or Office.” Pyro-Mate Corporation, Swissvale.

Ask Dr. Boli.

Dear Dr. Boli: How are homoeopathic treatments for malaria prepared?—Sincerely, HRH The Prince of Wales.

Dear Sir: As mosquitoes are the primary cause of malaria, homoeopathic remedies and preventatives for malaria are naturally made from mosquitoes in highly diluted form. One or two mosquitoes suffice to produce an entire year’s supply of homeopathic treatments for the whole continent of Africa, the remedies being for the most part produced by a number of private laboratories in Lagos. The mosquito is ground in a tiny mortar with an even tinier pestle, and the extract added to a certain quantity of distilled water, a small portion of which is then diluted again in a greater quantity of distilled water, and so on until a 13C or greater dilution is achieved. The dilution is only half the battle, however, as homeopathic principles also require that the solution be subject to succussion, or shaking up. This is achieved by pouring the solution into a number of hollowed-out balls and allowing the natives to play cricket with them. After everyone has enjoyed a rousing game, the balls are collected and emptied, and the solution sold in compounding pharmacies all over Africa.

Note that this preparation will not in fact either prevent or cure malaria. It does, however, provide priceless entertainment to the natives, many of whom have advanced degrees in science and have never seen anything so silly.



NEW ALTERNATIVE THERAPY: Allopathic Medicine provides alternatives to traditional homeopathy. Allopathic Medicine is a science of the body that treats the symptoms of diseases, in many cases giving immediate relief. Based on the ancient wisdom of generations of African, Asian, Australian, European, North American, and South American scientists. Many Allopathic treatments are covered by major health-insurance plans. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Physicians” to find your local Allopathic practitioner. H. Albertus Boli Foundation for Alternative Medicine, Seldom Seen.



  1. jre says:

    I fear that the gentle Dr. Boli may be crediting his correspondents with a discretion they do not always exercise. Let me illustrate. Some time ago, I was treated to a wirelessly transmitted lecture by the lovely and erudite Brigitte Mars, who explained that only two geese[1] need be sacrificed each year to supply the whole world with the homeopathic remedy Oscillococcinum. I contacted her by electric mail, suggesting that an even less violent option was available, but with a caveat:

    If capsules with some inert substance are placed in a container, and that container is slowly drawn across the abdomen of the goose, they will become at least as active as standard Oscillococcinum. in preventing influenza. I strongly recommend this approach to those who wish to avoid causing needless pain and suffering, and to those on a confining budget.

    One caution, however, is in order. Some people may be tempted to increase the effect still further by simply waving the container in the direction of Lyon, France, where Laboratoires Boiron keeps the em>Oscillococcinum. geese. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT THIS! So doing is likely to dilute the em>Oscillococcinum. so much that it acquires a dangerous potency, and the user is likely to overdose!

    Her reply indicated to me that she had not, perhaps, taken my warning to heart. Does Dr. Boli have any suggestions as to how we may impress upon the public the dangers of homeopathic excess?

    [1] Some have objected that the actual fowl is a duck, a quibble I will not dignify with discussion.

  2. David Bullock says:

    Dammit, you sent me to the dictionary for both words of “veriest tyro”.

  3. David Bullock says:

    So are you a bit skeptical of homeopathy then? :-P

  4. David Bullock says:

    You’re not one of those ‘climate skeptics’ are you? Oh horror.

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