THIS SITE MAY collect personally identifiable information from you for the purpose of world domination and/or providing an enhanced browsing experience. For example, we know all about that mole under your left shoulder blade, and you might want to get it checked out. You may choose to opt out of this monitoring by facing your computer screen and saying in a clear voice, “I wish to opt out of this site’s personally identifiable information gathering.” Our representative, who has been monitoring all your computer activities by watching you through your webcam (if available), will be happy to log your preference and will immediately stop watching you unless you are doing something exceptionally entertaining. You can trust us to keep that promise, because if we were dishonest we would not be allowed on the Internet.

OUR PLEDGE TO YOU: We will never sell your personally identifiable information to any third party who does not offer us a reasonable bid. We will never use your personally identifiable information for purposes of blackmail unless you do something that really annoys us. We will never send you spam messages by email or any other form of communication, but only special offers and exciting announcements that are vital to your continued happiness as an educated consumer. We will not tell people about your mole unless they ask.