By Prof. Theodora Wimble,
Community College of Yohogania County.

MANY SEEMINGLY ORDINARY phenomena are indicative of hauntings, and the responsible householder will take pains to identify the spiritual inhabitants who share his home and to respond to their needs.

Running toilet. Many spirits are unfortunately incontinent, probably as a result of certain minor indiscretions left unrepented at the close of their earthly lives. If one of the toilets in your home seems to be constantly running, you may be certain that you are host to one of these incontinent souls. You might try scattering homeopathic incontinence remedies here and there throughout the house. Since homeopathic medicine works on the vital force, it is unaffected by our conventional allopathic distinctions between “life” and “death.”

Repeating digits. If you find that your digital clock is often displaying a row of repeated digits, such as “2:22” or “5:55,” you are receiving coded messages from the spirit world. Some householders have reported seeing their clocks displaying only fours or only threes as often as twice every day; but the record is currently held by Mr. Augustine Thonk of New Bern, N.C., whose digital clock displayed nothing but ones no fewer than four times in one twenty-four-hour period. The difficulty is in interpreting the code you are receiving, for which you may wish to enlist the help of a trained medium or cryptologist. Alternatively, you may be able to force the spirits to be more specific in their demands by replacing all your digital clocks with analog ones.

Lost keys. If you frequently have trouble finding your keys, it is a sign that the spirits are taking your car out for joyrides in the dead of night. Admonish them severely.

Burnt-out light bulbs. Spirits prefer darkness, and whenever a light bulb burns out it is usually because a spirit has snuffed out the filament. Spirits are able to fit themselves in very small spaces, and there is little you can do to keep them from slipping into your light bulbs whenever they please. Perhaps you can reach a compromise with the supernatural world. If you can remember to turn out the bathroom light when you’re not in there, you’ll not only make any incontinent spirits in your house happier, but you’ll also save on your electric bill. Everybody wins!

Computer slowdown. Many problems with Windows computers can be traced to spiritual infestations. Windows is notoriously vulnerable to attacks from the other side, and spirits may take over your computer in an attempt to break their old Pac-Man records. They may be very disappointed if they cannot find Pac-Man installed on your computer, and may use up most of your processing power looking for it. The obvious solution is to install whatever vintage computer games your spiritual guests desire to play. Alternatively, you may wish to abandon Windows altogether in favor of a more secure operating system, such as an abacus.