IN THE NEWS.

THE ANTICIPATED RAPTURE has occurred, according to reports published earlier today. Eyewitnesses say that Mr. Stephen Mulenga of Keetmanshoop, Namibia, shot into the sky like a Saturn rocket. Mr. Mulenga, who had always been very kind to widows and orphans, was the only human being found worthy of ascending directly into heaven. As he ascended, his neighbors report, he was heard to say “The rest of you can go to…,” but the exact location he recommended could not be heard distinctly, on account of his rapidly increasing altitude.