LOST: BROWN DOG. Medium build, about 60 pounds, answers to the name XA-351-B. Last seen near Seven Corners, Virginia, headed northwest along Leesburg Pike. Easily identified by its numerous superfluous legs and top-mounted gun turret. If you see this animal, DO NOT attempt to subdue it yourself. Avoid attracting its attention. Quietly, without making sudden movements, contact the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency in Virginia Square, Arlington, Virginia, and ask to speak to someone from the Canine Genetics Research Department.

Special Note to Residents of Bailey’s Crossroads: Sorry about that.