By Dr. Adalbert Crumble, Associate Professor of Naturopathic Theology at Duck Hollow University.

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SCIENTISTS WITH MORE letters than you can shake a stick at after their names have determined that your blood type is the key to your dietary requirements. We know by having read it on the Internet somewhere that different blood types evolved at different times, and the circumstances under which they evolved determine which food groups are right for your type.

Type O: The Hunter. This was the first blood type to evolve; before its appearance, early hominids had no blood at all and had to make do with 10W-30 motor oil. Since it evolved when human society was in its primitive hunter-gatherer phase, the Type O personality should eat only things that are found in the woods, such as tree bark and insect larvae.

Type A: The Agrarian. This type dates from the beginning of agriculture about twenty thousand years ago, when men first learned to till the fields. Its ideal food, therefore, is dirt.

Type B: The Nomad. Type B appeared about ten thousand years ago in the nomadic populations of the steppes. Ideally, this type will wander from one cheap takeout to another, never settling on a particular favorite.

Type AB: The Enigma. This type evolved about a thousand years ago, and will truly thrive only on a diet of pure alphabet soup.

Type D: The Barely Passing. No one knows how long this blood type has been around, and, really, does anyone care? If you are Type D, eat whatever you want.

Type ΚΤΛ: The Awesome. This type evolved during a really wild Kappa Tau Lambda fraternity party in 1986. Cold pizza, beer, and individually wrapped snack cakes are the Type ΚΤΛ’s ideal foods, although in an emergency this type can subsist for weeks on instant ramen noodles.