CITY AUTHORITIES WERE taken by surprise yesterday when dozens of well-dressed corporate executives marched into the Department of Public Welfare, chained themselves to the filing cabinets, and issued the following list of demands:

Demand one: An end to all “minimum wage” laws and the immediate repeal of all restrictions on employers’ freedoms, notably the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution.

Demand two: Immediate cancellation of all “health insurance,” government health initiatives, welfare programs, food stamps, private charity, etc. Employers must have the freedom to decide which employees are allowed to live.

Demand three: Guaranteed executive bonuses regardless of performance.

Demand four: An end to all free education at all levels. Employees must remain ignorant if they are to remain productive.

Demand five: Free fuel for any Mercedes, Lexus, Rolls Royce, Bentley, Ferrari, Porsche, or other approved automobile (see list attached) manufactured within the past three years.

Demand six: One trillion dollars in “stimulus” grants to large corporations.

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in unmarked bills in the second stall from the left, men’s room, Oliver Plaza Starbucks.

Demand eight: Another big war somewhere.

Demand nine: Doughnuts. Now.