From the Tri-Borough Home Loan Association.

152 Brake Street
Wilmerding, Penna.

Dear Mr. Brutus:

It has come to our attention that you are a dog. Under those circumstances, we believe it is in the best interest both of our Association and of you yourself that we should withdraw the offer we made to you in our previous correspondence. The “Make-a-Wish” Home Improvement Loan program is designed primarily for human beings who are homeowners and have built up some equity in their properties. It is not generally suitable for the somewhat different lifestyle of dogs or other domestic animals, who do not accumulate real property in the same way under the laws of this Commonwealth.

Instead, may we interest you in the “Bones & Rags” Equity Loan program? This program is specifically designed to transform the half-chewed toys, old shoes, tennis balls, and sticks you may have accumulated into assets you can draw on to pay for a new doghouse roof, a better collar, or even just a bag of pig ears to chew on. Right now rates on canine equity loans are at an all-time low, so there’s never been a better time to take advantage of this unique opportunity. If you’re interested, stop by our office in Turtle Creek any weekday between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. and ask for Fluffy.

Yours sincerely,
Thaddeus Ramshackle III,
Vice President,
Tri-Borough Home Loan Association.