DISSATISFIED WITH THE ratings of its old new fall lineup, the Dumont Network has announced an entirely new new fall lineup, featuring several new one-hour dramatic series. “Diversity and variety,” said Mr. Sid Pandarus, director of programming, “are the hallmarks of our new schedule.” Among the new programs scheduled:

Walkies. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Rosina Pym, whose extensive experience as a dog-walker to busy suburbanite families gives her a unique perspective on crime.

The Dadaist. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Marcel de Ballon, a Dadaist poet who keeps babbling until he accidentally spews out the solution to the crime.

The Librarian. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Miss Urquhart, whose intricate knowledge of the Dewey Decimal and Library of Congress cataloguing systems puts every form of information at her fingertips.

Mr. Fins. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they rely on Mr. Fins, an Amazon River dolphin who lives at the city aquarium and solves crimes in his spare time.

The Detectives. When a group of amateur detectives from various disciplines can’t solve a case by themselves, they dial 9-1-1 to summon the city police.