Metro Mart Valu-Pak White Zinfandel. Rubbing alcohol in the foreground, backed up with subtle hints of high-fructose corn syrup and citric acid. In spite of the name, this wine somehow manages to be pink rather than white. Very strange. Score: 85.

Bad Cook Winery Cabernet Franc 2009. Strong notes of burnt toast, underdone eggs, soggy cereal, stale muffins, and instant coffee. A favorite at Sunday brunch. Score: 85.

Brown Paper Bag Old Vines Niagara. Sweet, with subtle notes of brightly colored hard candy and store-brand grape soda. Score: 85.

Château Lavoisier Cuvée des Consultants 2011. A French wine laboratory-blended under the careful supervision of expert vintners from California and Australia. Nose of cardboard box, finishing with strong screw-top notes. Score: 85.

Rupert Moravia California Six-Hundred-Dollar Meritage. Extravagant yet avaricious, with strong notes of old money. Real greenbacks, not those pink things they’ve been trying to foist off on us lately. Score: 85.