Dear Dr. Boli: Why don’t you write more about vampires? Vampires are cool. —Sincerely, Mrs. Caraway’s Eighth-Grade English Class, Blandville School for Troublesome Girls.
Dear Young Ladies: Fictional vampires may be made of glitter and pixie dust and romantic soul-searching; but real vampires, on the other hand, are extremely dull and pedestrian. They are required by their peculiar physiology to spend the daylight hours slumbering; then, at night, they rise to feast on the blood of the living. Yet they do not particularly enjoy the blood of the living. They yearn for a more varied diet, one that might perhaps include pretzels, or baklava, or miso soup; but they are incapable of digesting anything other than pure and unprocessed blood. They cannot even ingest a blood sausage without suffering painful indigestion. It is no wonder, then, that they become sullen and morose. When they do have something to say, their conversation tends to dwell on obscure baseball statistics from decades ago. They speak in a listless monotone. They dress in sweatpants and black T-shirts bearing the faded names of once-popular bands from the 1980s (the days of the well-dressed gentleman vampire are long past), and they tend to spend most of their waking hours loitering at the bus terminal.
Fortunately for you, young ladies, Dr. Boli is in the habit of giving unsolicited advice to those who obviously require his intervention. In your case, he would advise you to turn your attention away from vampires, who as a group are exceedingly dull, and toward a more romantic sort of figure. Your local mail carrier, for example, lives a life of high adventure. Furthermore, he wears a uniform, which Dr. Boli understands is always an attraction to young ladies, for reasons his old friend Mr. Darwin could doubtless have explained if he had put his mind to the problem. Turn your attention away from vampires and toward the postal service: this is Dr. Boli’s best advice for young ladies of your age.