TRY BEING SARCASTIC, because it’s not like anyone in your audience has ever heard anyone being sarcastic before.

Shout. Any statement becomes witty if it is shouted in a loud voice. Try it with the streetcar timetable.

Humor arises from the unexpected. If your audience is not laughing, try sending a confederate to sneak up behind them and beat them with sticks.

Speaking of the unexpected, here’s a tip from the pros: Vulgar language per se is always funny, because no one ever expects to hear it from the mouth of a comedian.

Consider flatulence. The mere fact that human beings have digestive processes has been entertaining audiences since Aristophanes, and there is no indication that it will ever stop entertaining them.

Remember that women think this way, but men think that way. You can build a career as a comedian on this simple observation.

Mention a figure from popular culture, such as a prominent reality-show contestant. It is not necessary to fabricate a joke or witticism on the subject: it is sufficient merely to mention the name.

If you belong to an ethnic minority, congratulations! You are already funny, and need only exaggerate the majority’s stereotyped impressions of your ethnic group’s speech patterns and character flaws.

Pay attention to trends in humor. What was funny ten years ago is still funny today…NOT.