Dear Dr. Boli: I am one of your faithful followers…most likely your MOST faithful! I never start the day without reading your wisdom. My computer is completely covered in layers and layers of yellow highlighter ink. I’m writing you today to seek your wisdomous guidance.

Thank you for the above message. I was so moved that right after reading, I got in my car and drove around; just to be fuel efficient. I had no where to go, just wanted to be fuel efficient. I did the top of the hill one. It didn’t work out quite the way I expected, but each failure is an opportunity for another try, right? Besides, mother is getting the feeling back in her legs, the lawsuits aren’t as bad as people on TV make them out to be and (this is for your more stupidier readership), cops do not snatch licenses away, that only happens on TV.

As I said, I need your wisdomous omnipotenticular advice. What should I do to increase the fuel efficiency of my bicycle?

I humbly await your response. —Sincerely, Bopo.

Dear Sir: Since bicycles are human-powered vehicles, the “fuel” they burn consists of the various hamburgers, pizza rolls, cookies, doughnuts, papayas, 32-ounce sodas, quiescently frozen dairy confections, and energy bars you consume when you are intending to ride the bicycle. The more you pedal the thing, the more calories you burn, and the more fuel it is necessary for you to consume. You can therefore cut down on that fuel considerably by adding a small gasoline engine to power your bicycle, relieving you from the necessity of pedaling, and thus reducing the number of calories burned by a substantial figure.