Sir:

I was getting really annoyed with my neighbor De Wayne’s constant use of the phrase “Hot diggety,” so I decided to go over and kill him so I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. But when I got there, De Wayne told me that murder was against the law!

Can you imagine it? Here, in the land of freedom, a man can’t murder anyone, even if he really wants to! Well, that’s it for the principles of limited government that our Founding Fathers were so proud of. I mean, why would they have guaranteed us the right to bear arms if they were going to turn around and say we couldn’t use them? That’s why we Southerners fought and won the Civil War, so that a bunch of northern liberal commies wouldn’t be able to tell us what to do with our guns or our slaves.

But now the pinko socialist regime of Comrade President tells me murder is against the law. You know where else murder was against the law? Stalin’s Russia, that’s where! I never thought I’d live to see the day when free American citizens would be forced to live under the same laws as the oppressed masses in the Soviet Union. But you notice how you never hear about the Soviet Union anymore? That’s because it was a giant sucking failure, because they had laws that made murder illegal.

Well I, for one, am not going to take this lying down. If this country is going to turn all pinko, then I’m going to find some place where they understand what freedom is really all about. I’m already packed, and tomorrow I’m going to move to Syria, where they know how to deal with pinko radicals and Islamic fundamentalists. And I encourage all right-thinking Americans to follow me there. If all the people who think like me moved to Syria, this country would be a better place.

——Sincerely, Jefferson D. Walnut,
Famous Rock Star