Dear Dr. Boli: The world is out of control and I’m writing to get your advice on how to start a movement.

The world has been plagued and brutalized for centuries by a certain group who have it in their heads that they own the entire planet. Some individuals may not be aware they are a part of this elitist demographic. Perhaps some are part of your readership. I am speaking of those schlemiels who have the ability to raise one eyebrow.

In pre-school, I saw Ms. Ahern raise an eyebrow in confusion over my use of the “Thinking Chair” to think, when its true purpose was to punish misbehaving children. From that day on, I have tried to raise one eyebrow without success. I consulted the a film developer at Giant Eagle about cosmetic surgery, but he advised against it saying uni-brows don’t count.

As I said, I would like to start a movement, and seek your advice on what to occupy.

—Sincerely, Concerned Citizen Who Can’t Raise An Eyebrow (CCWCRAE).

PS. Mal-mart (where I work) told me that consultations with actual health care professionals are considered “pre-existing” and not covered by my health insurance. However, the film developer WAS wearing a lab jacket during consultation.

Dear Sir or Madam: The ability to raise two eyebrows at once must logically be twice as useful and praiseworthy as the ability to raise one eyebrow at a time. Why anyone would consider the opposite a mark of superiority is a mystery, but certainly not the only manifestation of this peculiar perversity of human nature. Monks of the Dark Ages took personal filth as a mark of exceptional holiness; the barbarian chiefs of the same era considered their illiteracy a badge of superiority. There were in the not-so-distant past whole groups of people who considered themselves superior to the general run of humanity on the grounds of a deficiency in so obviously useful a substance as melanin. The illogical elitism of the raisers of one eyebrow is no more absurd than any of these other inexplicable affectations.

Whether anything can be accomplished by protest is questionable. In preference to demonstrations, Dr. Boli would recommend a concerted and persistent campaign of withering scorn, frequently demonstrated by the raising of both eyebrows together.

Still, if you mean to occupy something, Dr. Boli would suggest occupying banks and brokerages and other denizens of Wall Street as usual. No one really likes them, and their notorious and multitudinous sins make it difficult for right-thinking citizens to take their side when they are mildly inconvenienced by harmless demonstrations.


  1. Sean says:

    Dear Sir, why did built-in gutters go out of style? They are sturdier, more capacious, more attractive, and less likely to collapse while you hang onto them for dear life. Was it some insidious plot by ALCOA to get us all to hang flimsy aluminum boxes on our houses? Why, these structural abominations even require trips up an unstable ladder every few months for cleaning and can barely support the weight of a child, let alone a full-grown adult. Any wisdom which you could provide on the matter would be greatly appreciated. Also, can you recommend a good ambulance service in the vicinity of Pitcairn? I fear that I may soon require their services.

    A Man Hanging From an Insubstantial Box Gutter in the Process of Pulling Out its Last Nail

  2. Chris says:

    Dear Sir,

    One year ago on this day, I happened upon a vehicle bearing a “BLANDO” plate on Murray Avenue. I have kept the area under the keenest observation ever since, but I have seen no sign of the famed magician and heard no rumor of his plans. Has your staff any information on his activities?

    Warmest greetings and regards,

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