VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Spiro T. Agnew gave a speech last night that one correspondent described as “full of incoherent alliteration.” Agnew, who has been dead since 1996, strayed so far from his stated topic (“The Presidency of the Senate as a Source of Supplemental Income,” according to the program) that some observers have begun quietly raising questions about his health.

A Fringe Party delegate from the Mexican War Streets was ejected from the convention for throwing bar peanuts at a Dispatch correspondent, whom he repeatedly called a “Yuppie freak.”

It appears that a whole batch of marshmallows purchased by Irv’s Bar and Grill may have gone bad, as several purchasers of multiple chocolate marshmallow martinis have complained of dizziness, disorientation, nausea, and slurred speech.

Tonight’s eagerly anticipated acceptance speech by Warren G. Harding has been postponed until at least midnight, following a worrisome confrontation between police and a dangerous protester or lunatic outside the convention venue. According to a police statement, a man identifying himself only as Irv, who is on the FBI list of known convention troublemakers, was demanding entry to the convention venue, and became belligerent when he was stopped three blocks away. The man is described as 5 feet 8 inches tall, about 190 pounds, wearing an “Irv’s Bar & Grill” T-shirt. He is being held for psychological evaluation.