Sir: As we all prepare to vote in this historic election, I hope every one of us will remember one thing: Our current president has actually apologized for America. He has had the effrontery to suggest that Americans in the past may have done things that were wrong. Worse than that, he has even suggested that people in other countries may be almost as good as Americans.

Would you tolerate that kind of behavior even in a six-year-old child? Of course not. If my son Liutpert ever admits to having been wrong about anything, I beat the tar out of him till he says he’s sorry. Then I really lay into him, because I want him to grow up knowing that a real man never apologizes for anything.

Yet our president, the most important person in our country who is not a talk-show radio host, regularly indulges in behavior I wouldn’t tolerate in my own six-year-old son! Nor is that other guy any better. Why, I hear that, only last week, the opposition candidate (I refuse to mention his name) bumped into a voter in Ohio and actually said “Excuse me.” “Excuse me”! Do you want a President of the United States who goes around saying “Excuse me” every time his country accidentally wipes out a city or two in some dirtbag foreign country?

This is why I’m voting Fascist in the 2012 elections, and I urge all right-minded, patriotic, unapologetic American citizens to join me. Or at least get the hell out of my way.


  1. If one has the sort of family naming tradition that leads one to name their son “Liutpert”, I can understand why they wouldn’t bother to sign their name to a Letter to the Editor.

    But the true solution to the problem of American Presidents apologizing to other countries is to conquer and annex all the other countries until there are no more other countries to apologize to. That’s why I’m voting for the Expansionist Party tomorrow.

  2. Dr. Boli says:

    The signature was, unfortunately, illegible. Dr. Boli’s secretary believes it may have been “Cunincpert” something-or-other, but then again it may have been something else.

  3. Colin the Barbarian says:

    Well, I for one am planning to vote for the resurgent Know-Nothing Party for…um…some reason, I guess.

  4. raf says:

    I cast my vote for “undecided” because I believe in keeping my options open.

  5. John M says:

    If we annex the entire world, as Martin the Mess suggests above, they’d all be Americans. What effect would that have on American Exceptionalism?

  6. What would happen to American Exceptionalism? Well, there’d still be “International Waters” for a while, if only so cruise ships could still sail out and become floating casinos. And the United States of Earth would still be exceptional compared to any alien life forms out there somewhere.

  7. Dr. Boli says:

    “By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of modern times, we ascertain that upwards of several hundred millions of stars exist, that are invisible to the naked eye—the nearest of which is millions of millions of’miles from the Earth; and as we have every reason to suppose that every one of this inconceivable number of worlds is peopled like our own, a consideration of this fact—and that we are undoubtedly as superior to these beings, as we are to the rest of mankind—is calculated to fill the mind of the American with a due sense of his own importance in the scale of animated creation.”

    ——”Squibob,” Lectures on Astronomy.

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