Sir: As we all prepare to vote in this historic election, I hope every one of us will remember one thing: Our current president has actually apologized for America. He has had the effrontery to suggest that Americans in the past may have done things that were wrong. Worse than that, he has even suggested that people in other countries may be almost as good as Americans.

Would you tolerate that kind of behavior even in a six-year-old child? Of course not. If my son Liutpert ever admits to having been wrong about anything, I beat the tar out of him till he says he’s sorry. Then I really lay into him, because I want him to grow up knowing that a real man never apologizes for anything.

Yet our president, the most important person in our country who is not a talk-show radio host, regularly indulges in behavior I wouldn’t tolerate in my own six-year-old son! Nor is that other guy any better. Why, I hear that, only last week, the opposition candidate (I refuse to mention his name) bumped into a voter in Ohio and actually said “Excuse me.” “Excuse me”! Do you want a President of the United States who goes around saying “Excuse me” every time his country accidentally wipes out a city or two in some dirtbag foreign country?

This is why I’m voting Fascist in the 2012 elections, and I urge all right-minded, patriotic, unapologetic American citizens to join me. Or at least get the hell out of my way.