The Greater Pittsburgh Council on Paranormal Preparedness warns all citizens to be on the alert for zombie spiders. Isolated zombie spiders have been reported in Green Tree, Thornburg, Elliott, Sheraden, and Esplen; but, because zombie spiders are difficult to distinguish from living spiders, the possibility exists that they have infested other boroughs and neighborhoods as well. Zombie spiders may be identified by their eight legs, two segments (viz., the cephalothorax and abdomen), and silk-producing glands in the abdomen with which they weave characteristic “webs” of fine sticky strands. They are, in other words, very similar to ordinary spiders, but undead. It has been accurately determined that zombie spiders pose no danger to humans, but most experts agree that they are icky and should be squashed on sight.


  1. John M says:

    How about the evil genius criminal mastermind spiders that build giant undead replicas of themselves in their webs to trick others? Does this explain the source of the zombie spiders?

    • Dr. Boli says:

      These are merely misunderstood-artist spiders, crafting mixed-media self-portraits to express the angst that lies hidden in their tiny but tortured souls. They offer the works for sale at street fairs and cooperative art galleries, but no one ever buys them, which leads to more angst and thus more mixed-media self-portraits in an unbreakable cycle of artistic despair.

  2. Clay Potts says:

    I thought zombie spiders were only a danger at the Monroeville Mall.

  3. C. Simon says:

    Has Dr. Boli encountered the Book of Saint Albans? It is a hunting and hawking treatise, but no matter; the real interest in this book is that it is reputed by some to be the foremost authority on collective nouns like a parliament of owls, an exultation of doves, a murder of crows, etc. Now that claim is either a true or false one, which can be verified simply by opening the book and reading it, to see if it contains the said terms or not, which I would do myself except the typography is so interesting I cannot stop looking at the letters for long enough to read the words. Perhaps someone curtesy of this magazine can help me with my predicament.

    The book can be ordered courtesy of the Book of Google, reputed by some to be the foremost authority on the rest of humanity’s useless information, here:

  4. C. Simon says:

    If Dr. Boli is interested in my link, it did not come through in the previous comment, so I try again:

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