Dear Mr. Flounder: My boyfriend is like nice and all, but last week I plucked my eyebrows like I saw in some magazine, so they make like thin arches over my eyes, and I asked him what he thought, and he said it looked like McDonald’s had bought advertising space on my forehead. Should I dump him or just hit him? —Sincerely, Madison, Age 17.

Dear Miss: The spirits have an important message for you, but the vision is cloudy, and the images are perhaps allegorical. I see a ship, with three masts, and square sails of bright yellow silk; and on the top of the tallest mast is an eagle, and on the eagle’s back is a lemur. The lemur is saying something, but it is distant and muffled and overwhelmed by the sound of the waves, and I can only hear part of it: it sounds like “Greasy flies boiling eels,” or perhaps “Cheesy fries spoil the meal.” Then the eagle takes flight, but the lemur is still hovering above the mast, as if it were sitting on the back of an invisible eagle; and the lemur is chanting now, over and over, “Greasy flies, greasy flies,” or possibly “Cheesy fries, cheesy fries.” And the yellow sails billow in the fresh ocean breeze, and the ship is gently rocked by the waves, and the lemur keeps chanting, and the eagle flies in a northwesterly direction and disappears over the horizon.

Well, I hope that vision sorted things out for you with your boyfriend. As for the eyebrows, yeah, you kind of overdid it, but they’ll grow back.


  1. C. Simon says:

    To Miss Madison’s boyfriend:

    Does she wear high heels? Something has to be said about women’s heels. We can all see, they give the ankles, feet and toes the posture of a heavy pig (just look at the hind feet of any animal and you’ll see). Thing is, I’m afraid it just doesn’t work as a McDonald’s joke since people aren’t going to go through the connection from McRib sandwich to high heels instantly. Anyway, brainstorm with me! I’m sure we can nail this if we think about it.

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