THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST,

by the Rev. Bob-Bob Lee.

Did you know that President Obama lives at number 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Did you know that the Goryeo army defeated an army from Hubaekje in Korea in the year 934?

These two facts seem utterly unrelated, but the sinister meaning becomes clear when we realize that 934 from 1600 leaves 666!

I will go further. Did you know that Joseph Robinette Biden has a girl’s middle name? More importantly, did you know that he is the forty-seventh Vice President of the United States? Now, what do we get if we multiply 47 by 14.170212766? It cannot be mere coincidence!

Christian men and women, you must be aware that we are living in the end times. The number of the beast is everywhere. You yourself may be bearing the beast’s mark without knowing it! Try this simple exercise: assign each letter in your name a numeric value (A=1, Z=26, and so on for all the letters in between except H, which is equal to 734), and add all those values together. Let us call the result n. Now add n to the product of 111 multiplied by 12. Now subtract n. Now divide the result by 2. If your quotient is 666, you are bearing the mark of the beast and have already been claimed by Satan!

What, then, can we do? Well, of course, we must remember that God hears every prayer. Then he checks to see whether it came from someone bearing the mark of the beast, and if it did, he tosses it in his big old incinerator. So, for most of you lost souls, there’s no point in praying. Your best bet is cowering, which will not spare you on the Day of Judgment, but may preserve your doomed life for a few hours or days during the time of tribulation.

But there is one alternative. We can be saved by faith. God has promised salvation to all who believe in Jesus Christ. And how can we demonstrate faith? We demonstrate it by showing God that we do not rely on worldly goods to protect us. Instead, we show utter contempt for the things of this world by selling them all and sending the entire proceeds to Bob-Bob Lee Ministries, Inc., 666 Lee-Jackson-King Blvd., Chesapeake, Va. (The street address is one of those silly coincidences to which the wise will pay no attention whatsoever.)