Dear Dr. Boli: I am admiring the “Gluton Free” labels on these shelves. How is it that one may eat food, yet without ingesting the glutons (as they have been separated from the food) he does not commit gluttony? —Yours, Nearsighted in Whole Foods Market.
Dear Sir or Madam: The gluton, as students of quantum phenomena already know, is a subatomic particle whose spin and charge are responsible for the deliciousness of certain kinds of food, such as bread pudding or doughnuts, according to the Standard Model of subatomic cuisine. Gluttony is the sin of excessive indulgence of the desire for food. By removing the glutons, health-food marketers remove the desirability of the food, thus making gluttony impossible. (Note that the similarity of the words gluton and gluttony is a mere coincidence; etymologically they are quite different, gluttony having come to us from an Old French word, and the gluton being named for its discoverer, Sir Theobald Glute.) Thus the marketers encourage us to eat food we do not enjoy, steering us away from the sin of gluttony and toward the still greater sin of apathy.