by Dr. Aronia Baker, N.D.

Dear Famous Nutritionologist: Why are hydrogenated oils bad for you? And are they bad for me, too? —Sincerely, A Consumer of Fried Goods in Hazelwood.

Dear Reader: Hydrogenated oils are bad for your health because they contain hydrogen. Imagine your body as the dirigible Hindenburg. Now imagine filling that dirigible with hydrogen. What do you suppose happens if a stray spark comes too near? Do you see now why hydrogenated oils are the enemies of good health?

And when, in addition to the danger of spontaneous combustion, we add the danger of nuclear fission, we can see that hydrogen is not the sort of thing you want to be eating for lunch. Bikini Atoll is still uninhabitable today because of hydrogen, and similarly the inside of your refrigerator is uninhabitable today because of all the margarine you have stored in there over the years.

Fortunately, the food industry is at last beginning to take our health concerns seriously, and many delicious snack foods are now made with heliumated oils instead of the traditional hydrogenated versions. Foods rich in heliumated oils have the advantage of making you lighter the more you eat, so it is definitely a good idea to check the label before you make your next processed-snack-food purchase.


  1. Craig Conley says:

    So, so funny! I’ll be craving heliumated oils all day.

  2. Helium has the further advantage of belonging among the Noble Gases, whereby it confers aristocratic qualities, unlike the ignoble masses of Hydrogen, which in its own element is dangerous and unpredictable!

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

  3. Greybeard says:

    Don’t fail to note the dangers of combining Hydrogen with other elements. Di-Hydrogen Monoxide is a key ingredient in acid rain and many toxic substances, causing many deaths annually. Yet it remains virtually unregulated.

  4. Caren says:

    I can’t wait to start the helium diet.

  5. Ethan C. says:

    I can’t believe how terribly wrong and inaccurate this advice is.

    It’s a simple fact that the danger of hydrogen comes from nuclear *fusion*, not fission.

    This is why one should never, under any circumstances, combine hydrogenated oils with Asian Fusion cuisine.

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