BUSINESS NEWS. — Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.

The Fan-a-Tron Corporation of Oakdale, makers of thermostat-controlled electronic fans, has laid off 64% of its work force, cutting costs by an estimated $23.8 million in the wake of a disappointing first-quarter report that sent the stock price plummeting by more than 4%. Executives were awarded bonuses totaling $23.8 million for responding to the fiscal crisis in a timely manner.

Continental Kettle, Inc., is suing the Pittsburgh Pot Company of Oakland for libel, claiming that the latter’s advertising misrepresented Continental’s products as “black” when they are in fact Antique Charcoal.

The Aquila Bros. Malt Beverage Company of Oakmont has canceled its line of Aquila brand non-alcoholic malt beverages aimed at the Arab market. According to a marketing spokesman, the line never caught on in the Arab world, in spite of an aggressive TV advertising campaign featuring the slogan “Have an Aquila” set to a catchy folk tune.

Reliable Airport Limousine Service has merged with A-1 Airport Transit, Inc, according to reliable sources. No injuries were reported, but two lanes of the Parkway West were closed for more than three hours while wreckage was cleared.

Comments

RepubAnon says:

April 29, 2013 at 9:27 pm

How many executives at the Fan-a-Tron Corporation received those $23.8 million dollar bonuses?

Adam says:

April 30, 2013 at 3:53 pm

I don’t get the “Have an Aquila” one. What’s that about?

Cary says:

April 30, 2013 at 4:17 pm

“hava nagila” is a traditional Jewish folksong (sound it out), and it’s ‘catchy’ too.

Clay Potts says:

May 5, 2013 at 3:44 pm

In International News, Showers come to Bath in April!

Cheers could be heard across the water in Bath, England, when the first showers came to Bath in nearly 500 years!

Large numbers of citizens stood up in Bath to make their voices heard when they turned out in droves to the April polls and cast their vote in support of a referendum to rescind an ancient edict outlawing showers within the limits of Bath.

But, not before both sides got up on their soapboxes and worked themselves into a lather.

Supporters of the Ancient Law cited concerns that showers would have an adverse effect on tourism; they also predicted a surge in slip and fall accidents, rising health care costs, and increased potential for noise pollution should 85,000 Bathites, (known for their inability to carry a tune in a bucket), suddenly break-out in, “God Save the Queen” during bath time! One particularly irate supporter was heard to shout out, “Give them showers today, tomorrow they will want bidets!”

Those in support of showers cited ever increasing water and sewer bills, the impact of bubbles on the eco-system, and an inadequate number of bath tubs in high-school locker rooms resulting in long lines and increased instances of tardiness to class.

And, only after angry protesters held what they called a “Bath Sit-In”, by forming a ring around the Bath walls, to avoid any further stink, did City Council agree to place the matter on the April ballot, before the fast approaching Summer tourist season went completely down the drain.

Shower supporters initially gave the referendum a luke warm reception, stating it was watered down in committee, however, in the end, they agreed to its wording, having concluded that any further debate would only risk throwing the baby out the bath water.

Following recision of the Law, both sides came together and offered conciliatory speeches, agreeing their differences were now so much water over the dam, and that there are no winners or losers, as good democracy always results in a wash.