To: All Employees
From: The President
Re: Marketing Study
My fellow employees:
I have truly thrilling news for you all. Doubtless you have all been aware of the marketing study we commissioned from Rittenhouse Consulting. I say “doubtless” because, although I sincerely attempted to restrict the knowledge of the study to those directly involved in it, it appears that somebody let the “cat” out of the “bag,” resulting in several “firings.” But there is no use pretending that the news had not been broadcast far and wide, so I assume you have all heard it by now. We chose Rittenhouse Consulting specifically because we know them to be a trustworthy and reliable firm; I can speak from first-hand knowledge, since Bill Rittenhouse is my wife’s brother.
Well, the thrilling news is that at last, after eighteen months and $23.7 million, the study has been completed, and we have identified the ideal target market for our products as stupid people.
As a group, buyers of our products have a measured IQ averaging 87. This average holds good in both our baking and our armaments divisions. Clearly our offerings appeal to persons of below-average intelligence, and our consultants recommend that we capitalize on that built-in appeal, embracing a marketing strategy that is stupid-driven. Stupid people make up a large and influential segment of the market, and furthermore they are usually too dumb to figure out how to return products if they are dissatisfied.
Our company is already well-positioned to take advantage of this dynamic market segment. The consultants found that our Management Team has an average measured IQ of 83, putting us on the cutting edge of stupidity, and thus very much in touch with our target market. Indeed, Mr. Rittenhouse has informed me that one of the very hallmarks of stupidity is an unquestioning reliance on data from IQ tests. Clearly this is a winning scenario for us, and we will be announcing a wide range of new stupid-driven business policies over the next few weeks.
One minor adjustment has been necessary. Although most of our Management Team was exactly suited to our new stupid-driven business strategy, our consultants identified three executives who tested as having above-average intelligence. Those three executives have left the company to pursue other opportunities in the exciting and dynamic burger-flipping industry, and we wish them the very best luck in their new endeavors.
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney, President,
Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co.