CANINE THEOLOGY.


The gods provide food and open the back door, but otherwise they are not very bright.

They are divine because they walk upright and have opposable thumbs. With those advantages, the canine race would be divine as well.

Earnest prayer is required to make the food appear in the dish. It sometimes takes hours for the gods to get the message, which is why it is advisable for dogs to start praying several hours before dawn.

The loudest prayer is the most effective.

The gods are not omniscient, but somehow they always know that it was not one of them who chewed up the bedspread.

Sometimes it is necessary to chew up the bedspread, even at the risk of divine wrath.

Whereas dogs communicate by leaving postings on tree trunks and fire hydrants, the gods communicate primarily by making variously modulated sounds come out of their mouths.

The divine language is far more complicated than it needs to be to express the two fundamental concepts “FOOD” and “OUTSIDE.”

It is possible for dogs to understand some of the divine language, but it is advisable not to let the gods know the extent of our understanding.

One of the words the gods speak most frequently is “NO.” We have no idea what this means, but canine theologians are confident that they are close to decoding it.

When taking a god for a walk, it is necessary to be somewhat forceful with the leash. Left to his own devices, a god will walk right past all the interesting postings without reading them.

When the gods summon us, it is always best to ascertain first whether they have a treat to offer before obeying their summons. In that way we train them to be good and attentive divinities who always come through with the goods when they want worship.