The United States Government’s secret envelope-steaming program, codenamed LICK, received unwelcome attention today when it was reported that the NSA’s kettles were being pushed far beyond their rated capacity. According to an anonymous whistleblower, there were originally 386 banks of kettles used to steam open first-class mail sent by U. S. citizens classified with 51% confidence as “suspicious intellectuals”; but kettles have not been replaced as they wore out or were pilfered by tea addicts on staff, and the remaining 134 banks of kettles are dangerously overheated. NSA insiders report that hundreds of thousands of birthday cards and thank-you notes are now passing through the mail unopened every day, posing unknown risks to the possibly innocent recipients. Meanwhile, civil-liberties advocates have urged the government to appoint an independent watchdog agency to oversee the independent watchdog agency that oversees the LICK program.


  1. Clay Potts says:

    When questioned about this potential miss-use of power, the NSA Director stated, where there is steam, there is not always fire and there has been no wrong doing, and he and his dedicated group of agents can “breathe easy and sleep well” for having participated in this program to protect the American people.

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